That's Life...

I’ve been giving you a pretty steady diet of election year politics, so here’s a couple of human interest snippets, to lighten your day….Thanks to Frank Sinatra for the title…

Peering into her crystal ball, the Gypsy fortune teller delivered grave news to the woman:  "There's no easy way to tell you this, prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will soon die a violent and horrible death.” The woman stared at the Gypsy's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

On spring break, a weird, geeky, looking teenager had been buried in the sand, with only his head showing and then left on the beach by his friends. Three attractive, middle-aged women, a social worker, a teacher, and a female police officer were walking past and felt sorry for the poor kid.  The social worker asked, "Have you ever had a kiss from a total stranger?" "No," the kid said, so she gave him a quick peck on the forehead and walked on. The teacher asked, "Have you ever had a real kiss, a kiss from a woman, not a teenage girl?" The kid said, "No," so she gave him a long passionate kiss and walked on. The female police officer came up to him and asked, "So, have you ever been fucked?" The kid broke into a big smile and said, "No". She smiled back and said, "Well, you will be in about 30 minutes when the tide comes in….” 

Years ago, a Deputy Chief of a large police department had been injured in a car crash and had lost his left ear. Not physically impaired, he was returned to duty but was always sensitive about his appearance. One day, while interviewing the first of several promotional candidates for a position on his staff, he asked a Captain from Administration, ”Do you notice anything different about me?" Captain answered, "Yes sir, I couldn't help but notice that you're missing your left ear, and I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.” The Deputy Chief got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, a Lieutenant from Patrol Division, when asked this same question, answered, "Well, yes, sir. You seem to be short one ear." The Deputy Chief threw him out, as well. The third interview was a Detective Sergeant from homicide. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the first two put together. The Deputy Chief, despite the reputation of the Homicide cops, wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. "Do you notice anything different about me?" To his surprise, the Sergeant said, "Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses." The Deputy Chief was impressed, and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful police officer. "And how would you know that?", the Deputy Chief asked. The Detective Sergeant shrugged his shoulders and replied, "It's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear…"

The following is a public safety tip about girls, guns, and grizzly bears. As you’re all aware, there’s an on-going national debate about firearms being used for personal protection. Within the gun community, there’s a secondary argument over the effectiveness of small caliber handguns to deter a potential attacker. The following is the text of an interview with a woman who used a 380 caliber Sig Sauer semi-automatic handgun against a grizzly bear.   “… While out hiking in Montana with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I hadn’t been carrying my little 380 with me, I wouldn’t be here today. Just one shot to my boyfriend's kneecap was all it took-the bear got him, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace…” 

We’re only a couple of months from the start of vacation season, so here’s a travel safety tip- Two Nuns on a European trip are driving through rural Transylvania, when a tiny Dracula jumps on the hood of their car and begins hissing at them through the windshield. “What should we do?” shrieks the driver as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads. “Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” The driver does it, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on. “Use the windshield washers,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled them with Holy Water when we were at the Vatican.” The driver nun does, but the tiny Dracula just hisses through the windshield, even more menacingly. In desperation, the driver says, “Show him your cross, sister.” “Why of course,” says the Nun in the passenger seat, “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window, sticks her head out, and bellows, “Get the fuck off our car, you little bastard, or I’ll kick your ass!